Aug 24 |
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SO, THIS IS CHET * * *
Chet, what can we do for you? Mmmph. Would you speak up? Mmmmphhphh. Perhaps you’d remove your lips from that CEO’s ass. Sorry. Yes. Thank you. I’d like to talk about the most exciting marketing development of our time. Marketing. Do you want to be roadkill on the “Information Superhighway?” Did you really just say that? With air quotes? Yes I did! Do you know how many millions now surf the Web every day? Yes. Oh. Good! Do you know how fast the Web is growing? Yes, yes. Over a billion pages to look at, most of them designed to irritate or sell crap I don’t need. Your point? Mission statements, marketing plans, public and investor relations, your product catalogue: all can be accessed by millions! Gosh. And I can help you get there. I have access to the coolest, most bleeding-edge Web technologies, like JavaScript and Flash. Flash? Flash is the most exciting development to hit the web since its inception. Can’t search, can’t index, can’t bookmark, can’t use the back and forward buttons, can’t print, dancing pigs are for children. Flash is evil. A cancer on the Web. Oohs and ahs in the boardroom are one thing, sonny... But look at this cool... Who cares about “cool?” Your cool is not mine, lickspittle. Anyway, moving on. It says here you call yourself a “Web Visionary” Yes I do. And you are perpetually living 18 months in the future. Yes. Are you fucking insane? What? What exactly are you trying to sell here? A vision of the future! A future in which the product you desire is already on its way to you. Like what? Like, say, razor blades. They’d arrive when you’ve run out. Razor-blade-of-the-month club. No, no, a service that learns your consuming habits, and knows the things you want, when you want them. A future in which a corporation monitors my razor blade consumption habits. I can see how this would appeal to the most bottom-fed marketing toady... Sir, your criticisms... Oh, just get out. |
