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THE WEEK IN REVIEW
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Saturday
Car stolen.
Sunday
Vaporize ten hours single-handedly destroying music industry by acquiring music via Inter-Net.
Monday
Start many projects. All abandoned by 5 pm. Amiable telephone conversation with insurance adjuster named Presley.
Tuesday
Email reply to scheduling discussion among he-man design faculty of forthcoming book publishing workshop:
You ladies plan and fret all you want: I’m coming in blazing drunk, hollering coarse thoughts about tarting up crap to sell to people who don’t need it, then fall deeply, sloppily in love with whatever woman happens to be sitting closest, and probably do something regrettable with my hands.
Wednesday
Unplanned walking tour of downtown Vancouver in quest to rent a temporary replacement vehicle. Rent-a-Wreck: sold out. EZ Car Rentals: staff lacking dopamine to track down one available auto, also rude. National Car Rental: require pint of blood and first-born son for the privilege of paying a fortune to borrow crap on wheels. Avis: bingo. On offer is a “mid-size economy model.” Ten minutes later I am tooling around in a ludicrous macho-kitsch faux-muscle car (white!), hoping to find something at which I can honk its mighty horn.
Thursday
Police call to report car has been recovered. Apparently taken for minor joy ride and dumped in apartment building parking lot two streets over. I ponder why they didn’t just return it to where they took it from. That’s what I’d do. Curious feeling of anticlimax. Pick up car, return rental behemoth. Definitely sense suspicious vibes from police.
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