Apr 7 |
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A PLAY IN ONE ACT * * * SCENE 1 INTERIOR. Boardroom, early evening. Florescent light. 15 STUDENTS are chatting amiably INSTRUCTOR enters INSTRUCTOR: Hello people! STUDENTS: Hello! hello! INSTRUCTOR: You can call me “Chet.” STUDENTS: We will! INSTRUCTOR: Welcome to FDP at SFU! We have fascinating and illuminating things to admire and discuss. Let me fire up this COMPUTER, so we can get going! STUDENTS: We can’t wait! COMPUTER: Bugger off. INSTRUCTOR (to Computer): Excuse me? COMPUTER: You heard me. INSTRUCTOR: C’mon, just connect to the Net. People are waiting. COMPUTER: No cable. Bugger off. INSTRUCTOR (rooting around on hands and knees): Quite so. Let me call support. He picks up wall phone. INSTRUCTIONAL MEDIA answers INSTRUCTIONAL MEDIA (evil South African accent): Hilly? INSTRUCTOR: Hi, this is Dean Allen, I’m teaching in room 500, and the computer needs an Ethernet cable to hook up to the Net. INSTRUCTIONAL MEDIA: Kint hilp you. INSTRUCTOR: Excuse me? INSTRUCTIONAL MEDIA: Licking it mah whirk ohdaw, deer’s no Internet kinniktion in dit room. Kint hook it up. Net fella wint home tree ours ago. By de waaay, ah was keecked out of Seeth Eefrica for being a complit fecking eejit. INSTRUCTOR: Look, I have people here waiting... STUDENTS make clucking, comforting noises INSTRUCTOR: ...and I confirmed twice that I needed a Mac with a Net connection. INSTRUCTIONAL MEDIA: Kint hilp you. Got TV to watch. He hangs up. INSTRUCTOR (to Students): Well, heck! STUDENTS: Heck! Heck! CURTAIN SCENE 2 As curtain opens, orchestra is playing frenetic carnival music. INSTRUCTOR runs in and out of doors. He stops at a desk with a sign reading “Computer Services.” Music stops COMPUTER SERVICES GUY: Are you alright? Jesus, breathe. INSTRUCTOR: Look, I’m teaching a class and the computer is supposed to be hooked to the Internet and it’s not and all my visuals are up there and I absolutely need to download the files off the Net and put them on a Zip disk and load them onto the computer in the classroom but I don’t have a Zip disk and I have no idea what the f... COMPUTER SERVICES GUY: Fear not, friend. Here, you may borrow this Zip disk, and download your files on my computer. Please, be seated. INSTRUCTOR: You are my one true friend. He falls to knees, weeping. CURTAIN SCENE 3 Back in the classroom, the STUDENTS continue to chat amiably. INSTRUCTOR enters, holding Zip disk high INSTRUCTOR: Oh, I am so good. STUDENTS: Hurrah! Hurrah! INSTRUCTOR: Well, while these files are copying let’s get to know each other. We’ll go around the room, and... COMPUTER: Bugger off. INSTRUCTOR (to Computer): Excuse me? COMPUTER: Zip drive don’t work. I am old and tired. Go screw yourself. INSTRUCTOR: Holy mother! STUDENTS: Mother! CURTAIN SCENE 4 As curtain opens, orchestra plays very heavy mid-70s death metal. INSTRUCTOR runs in and out of doors. He runs into South African INSTRUCTIONAL MEDIA guy. They engage in a brief pantomime fist fight. They part. INSTRUCTOR mouths strong language. He runs into friendly COMPUTER SERVICES GUY, who offers assistance, but can provide none. INSTRUCTOR approaches edge of stage, preparing for his soliloquy. INSTRUCTOR: I have of late, but wherefore I know not, lost all of my mirth. And it goes so heavily with my disposition... AUDIENCE: Get back to the classroom, you tool. INSTRUCTOR: Gadzooks! INSTRUCTOR runs to classroom. He enters, looking melancholy. STUDENTS make clucking, comforting noises. He talks for an hour, without talking points or visual aid. While rather erratic and malformed, the lecture has some good bits, and the students seem pleased. STUDENTS: We’re pleased! INSTRUCTOR: See you next week! CURTAIN |
